Saturday, January 31, 2009

michelle is the best. and God is even better.

so as hurt as my feelings are right now...
i can't believe how amazing my Lord is.

I think it's weird how my faith is... someone just told me another person felt that my faith needed to be tested... 
first of all my faith is tested every day... (i dont really understand why another Christian who loved Jesus would think it was their job to personally make sure they "put me in my place" or whatever... considering we are supposed to be spurring each other on in love and whatnot... pretty sure that the world is hard enough without the people that are supposed to be encouraging you trying to tear you apart... :/ )
its ok though...

because i have honestly been given way more than i should by the Lord.

How could I ever doubt his love?

How could I ever question his mercy?  

He woke me up today to make sure that andrea, sara and i would go on that beautiful hike.
if we hadn't gone we wouldn't have been able to bless those girls... we wouldn't have been blessed by getting to know all those other people.

He gave me a freaking desk... i'm actually crying when I think about that... like... WHO ARE YOU!?!?!?!  You love me beyond anything.... 

gosh i love you jesus.


beyond and worth more than any of those things...

You gave me michelle.
Jesus, I wish she was here so bad.
Her love for me is just like yours.  You are way too good to give us each other.  Two people on earth are rarely so lucky.

Every time... God,
You put the words in her head to say that are perfect.

It was so encouraging to hear her quote the scripture you're placing on her heart... I miss telling her every day what you taught me and hearing every day what you brought her through.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
How would she know apart from you Lord, that you would squeeze my hand as she said that.

andrea's here... so its time to go to trader joes.

thank you jesus...

so i'm out in the sun....
reading for Luke/Acts with Andrea, Sara, and Sam....
we just returned from hiking the "A" at 6:30 this morning.... came back and had pancakes with the RD.  
God woke me up at 5:50 today... so I knew he wanted me to do that hike... something special about today...
can't wake up for my 10:40 class but my body can wake me up for a sunrise hike without an alarm... Hahaha

except it makes me wonder if I thought of every day as intentionally being woken up to honor the Lord.... hmm

Lauren Reed just walked over to me... "Emily, we have a drafting table in the back of my car.  It was my grandpa's ... It's mine now but I don't have any way to use it.... I heard you needed a table for your studio space."

i shook her parents hands...
thanked the Lord and now I have a flipping amazing drafting table for my studio space. 

God is good.


even on beautiful days where he blesses you a lot.

Friday, January 30, 2009


i love kara walker...
i was stunned jr year... still stunned... she's brilliant.
but dang.

i would love to see an exhibit of hers... 

look at these slides and things from the art 21 video... her site isn't THAT well done cause you can't look at really any of her stuff.

i love being a girl.

i'm sorta tired of the sorts of girls that pretend they aren't girls.

"i'm such a boy"
no.  you aren't. you are just aware of the well known fact that girls are really stupid about a lot of things.

Certainly, I think the games girls play get old.
but i still find myself doing them every once in a while.

I feel like a lot of the girls who identify themselves as boys are really just taking a different route to get attention than most girls.

Andrea, and Lauren are some of the most boyish girls I've ever met.  They are laid back and able to include everyone in a conversation without pushing their own agenda.  

My biggest reason for hanging out mostly with boys is because girls seem to constantly want to name drop and let you know more and more about how THEY are cool.... how THEY were the first to know about something... who stinking cares??!?
Boys want to push their agenda through these strange and foreign respect struggles that they push up against each other... but its too subtle for me to pick up on very often so I just feel more comfortable around them.

Andrea and Lauren are girly.
We enjoy clothes... we enjoy relationships and analyzing them.... we like fixing things through conversation.
We view the Lord in the same way from our girl perspective... 

but they are so restorative in their just being.

Meaghan is like that too... just like a restorative person.

I HOPE that I can be like that for people sometime.. but I'm pretty sure I am one of the girls that is pushing my agenda a lot too...  darn.

sunny days duh.

carolina's angry cause she looks like a spinster and she's 28.
so the good news is that mitchell dong and i like the same music.
thats always nice.

sang To Be Alone With You last night with Davey at Open Mic night in Engstrom...
beginning was shoddy on my part... 
(slash davey turning to me and letting me know that he couldn't remember squat was a little annoying... so duely noted i will not be accompanying him again... or i guess he accompanied me... but he asked so idk what you call that)

the end though was brilliant and as cruddy as the sound system was I didn't feel that bad about it... 
I feel like if I had really worked hard to understand soundboards more fully and the technique that Kurt teaches back home I would be invaluable.
Running sound for a year like... did almost nothing for me except now I know when stuff does sound cruddy and that they CAN fix it... i don't remember much of the how to.

nobs are twistable.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

weekend ahoy.

inspiration day 1

visit George Wu's page... 
precede to view the first film... aka... click the pola and then mousey on over to the screen presented where you should click once more.

watch this beautiful piece.

i love the fans.

my dads helpful email.


Good questions.  The first thing I'll say is that being on an archeological
dig hardly qualifies one for making assertions about Canon formation, since
the Canon is not an archeologically determined object, but the assessment of
the Church regarding its Scriptures. No one just dug up the Canon.  

I would assume he is misunderstanding his teacher because nobody would say
something like that.  The formation of the Canon happened gradually over
several hundred years.  When he says at Constantinople, what is that
supposed to mean? Is he suggesting that the emperor picked what would go
into the canon?  That would be absurd.  The Canon was largely settled by
that time.

That said, the gospels and letters of Paul were excepted very early, perhaps
by 130.  But the final list was later, the earliest actual list of the same
books we accept is not until 367 by Athanasius.  

But the canon was not really "closed" in the sense that someone gave a list
with finality until the Reformation.  It was the Reformers who rejected the
Apocrypha, but then the Catholics in a backlash excepted them.  This all
happened in the 1400-1550 time frame.

The Apocrypha are not consider on equal footing with Scripture by
Protestants but are by Catholics.  Even though disputed though, they are
ancient books with a venerable history, accepted by some and not other
Christians.  You can read them without worrying about your soul, and who
knows, perhaps the Spirit will speak to you through them.  If the Spirit can
speak through contemporary music perhaps through an ancient book is possible
too :)  I have no issue with reading them, but I just wouldn't quote it as

Here is an excerpt on Canon Criteria from my e-library:
3.3. Criteria of Canonicity. Beyond the historical forces that were at work
in the formation of the canon, certain theoretical considerations were also
adduced, especially in the fourth and fifth centuries, by way of judging the
suitability of writings for inclusion in the canon, most especially of
writings about which there was some uncertainty. These so-called criteria of
canonicity were mainly traditional use, apostolicity, catholicity and
orthodoxy (Ohlig).
3.3.1. Traditional Use. As previously indicated, the primary basis for the
inclusion of any document in the canon of the NT was its longstanding,
widespread and well-established use among Christian communities. Such
traditional usage was a matter of fact before the church began to reflect on
its historic practice and made it an explicit criterion for canonical
standing. Certain writings, including the Gospels and Paul's letters, had
been used so widely and so long that there could be no question about their
place in the canon. But if customary use was a clear prerequisite, it was
not in every case sufficient by itself. Some documents that adequately met
this standard were not finally included in the canon (e.g., Shepherd of
Hermas, Didache and 1 Clement). Other criteria were of a more theoretical
3.3.2. Apostolicity. From an early time Christians considered their
Scriptures to be apostolic. This did not necessarily mean that authoritative
documents must have been written by apostles, though from an early time
apostolic authorship was valued. This is shown not only by the general
authority that quickly accrued to Paul's letters but also by the development
of traditions attributing certain anonymous Gospels (Matthew and John) to
apostolic authors or at least to apostolic sources (Mark and Luke) by the
use of apostolic pseudonymity (e.g., 2 Peter, the Pastoral Epistles,
Barnabas), and by the disuse that affected some writings by reason of doubts
raised about their apostolic authorship (Revelation, Hebrews). Yet some
documents explicitly claiming apostolic authorship either failed to gain
canonical standing (e.g., Didache, Barnabas, Gospel of Peter, Apocalypse of
Peter) or gained it only with difficulty (e.g., 2 Peter, Jude). Thus the
criterion of apostolicity in the narrow sense of authorship was hardly
decisive. In fact, the conception of apostolicity was elastic and might
refer, beyond direct authorship, to indirect authorship, derivation from the
apostolic period or conformity of content with what was generally understood
as apostolic teaching.
3.3.3. Catholicity. Catholicity was another consideration: in order to be
authoritative a document had to be relevant to the church as a whole and
even intended to be so by its author. Writings addressed to only small
groups or having a narrow purpose were accordingly devalued. Most of the
writings that became canonical were originally intended for limited
constituencies, and some even for individuals. Hence they failed to meet
this criterion, but this was not so obvious to the ancient church or was
counterbalanced by other factors. What is at work in the ideal of
catholicity is a preference for broad accessibility and general usefulness,
as against private, idiosyncratic or esoteric resources.
3.3.4. Orthodoxy. It was a largely tacit judgment that for a writing to be
authoritative, let alone canonical, it must be orthodox; that is, its
content had to correspond with the faith and practice of the church as that
was generally understood. Such a judgment presupposes that what the church
took to be its proper teaching was somehow available independently of
Scripture, namely, in the rule of faith (regula fidei), a terse, traditional
summary statement of principal convictions (cf. Irenaeus Haer. 3.4.1-2;
Tertullian De Praescr. 8-12). Since the rule of faith was itself understood
to be a summary of apostolic teaching derived through apostolic tradition,
there could scarcely be discord between it and Scriptures that were also
taken to be apostolic.
These criteria were variously applied in the history of the canon, but
rarely with systematic rigor. The Gospel of Peter was removed from use in
Rhossus by Serapion, bishop of Antioch, because of doubts about its
orthodoxy (Eusebius Hist. Eccl. 6.12.2-6), in spite of its putative
apostolic origins. The Shepherd of Hermas, though catholic, orthodox and
widely used, suffered because it did not derive from the time of the
apostles (Muratorian Canon, ll. 73-80). The epistle to the Hebrews was
ultimately accepted as canonical in the West in spite of persistent
uncertainty about its authorship. Once established in general use, the
catholic status of Paul's letters was taken for granted in spite of their

Stanley E. Porter and Craig A. Evans, Dictionary of New Testament Background
: A Compendium of Contemporary Biblical Scholarship, electronic ed. (Downers
Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2000).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

feeling attacked.

let God be proved true and every man a liar.

Lord, I pray that whatever bad came out of this that you would find a way to glorify yourself in it.

i love you Jesus.

Lord, give me discernment, wisdom and gentleness.


bishop allen is playing the troubadour for 12 bucks...

i'm sooooo excited.

annoying but cool?

josh and i are better friends than we were yesterday.

its unfortunate that we had to bond over such annoying circumstances... :/

Monday, January 26, 2009



number 7. 

i move in this weekend....

-hook for apron

-whistled piece
-2d assignment
-art box
-big ruler
-scrap box

i'm a big fan of these.



andrea and i've made some cool plans.

next weekend (due to the preview kids coming this weekend)...
we are going to make dutch babies friday morning and pack a picnic and go to the beach.
JUST the girls.
-emily, andrea, sara, kelsey, and whoever else would like to join us.

the weekend after that we are going to Michaels and getting craft supplies.

I came up with this idea for us to start meeting once a month to make crafts together...
you can make whatever you want you just have to be creative and do it all together...
and then ONE of the things you make you have to give to someone on our campus that God puts on your heart!

how cool is that! 

idk who i would do mine for but i'm going to make feather headbands.

and necklaces probably.

ALSO: at suite treats tonight I suggested that we start drawing names every week...
hannah will draw two of our names and we'll be a pair and that week we have to go to coffee or do something fun together...
THAT way we can all get to know each other better. 
cause its sorta hard to just come to suite treats and try and talk about personal stuff... 

GIRLS i would like to get to know better:
-Sally Hallem
-Natalie 1 & Natalie 2
-Natalie Nicholes
-Sara Charles and her cool friend in my Luke Acts

BOYS i would like to get to know better:
-that Buck kid.
-Chris speed of course... ALWAYS.
-Mitchell Dong

that sleepy sparrow girl is in guatamala.. this is what she looks out her door at...
why do i never take chances.
i applaud hannah for just deciding to go to Guatamala...
i'm always afraid i'll miss out on stuff my friends are doing... 
are you KIDDING?
i'm missing out on the world!?

i wish i'd gone to high sierra.

i want to stay at apu and go to Oxford Semester.

i want to do more roadtrips and photograph my adventures.
GOSH i need a camera.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

birthday wish list for my mother.

on my mom's request:

urban outfitters:
kimchi blue ruffle tub top 29.99

BDG Breton coat 29.99

striped beanie 16.99

forever 21 giftcard
american apparel
unisex fine jersey MINT
tri-blend long sleeve Vneck TRI ORCHID

so farrr...

all the boys.

so all the boys in engstrom that were apart of this chase last night are so freaking excited...
and i think its super cute.


we had the fire alarm pulled 2x last night at like 4 in the morning and everyone was pissed...
but the one that was second... 15 minutes after the first.... there were about 15 boys all on track or soccer teams from my building who took off after the drunken kids who pulled it...

they are soooo excited about catching them...

brian the RA was just telling me yesterday how badly he wanted a foot race because of kids breaking the rules... 

and he got one...
they keep describing how simba (our african flyer) zipped after them to run them down... and brian booked it after them chasing them all over campus and finally catching them...

i just think its cool how like... boys are made for doing this...
no girls thought they would need to go run after the bad kids... 

but these boys just wanted so badly to hunt them down and get them...

and now they can't stop talking about it...

i just love how everyones made for different things... its adorable how excited they are because they enjoyed it last night.


wow i'm a really freaking annoying girl.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


sometimes I feel like i'm a boy stuck in a girls maze of a head...
you can't get anywhere unless you act like a girl but you're frustrated the whole time you're doing it.

i want to be joyful because it would be stupid not to.

and also... i need to think about how small of a deal this is and not get frustrated thinking its bigger than it is. :/

God is so beautiful p.s.
i love the rain.

Friday, January 23, 2009

hannah is very sick.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

interesting talks.

1. talked with Nicole Jonny today for a long time... just asking question after question about her experiences growing up in Navajo culture... 

i think its incredibly sad how distant and naive we are to the culture and modern day struggles of the native americans.

2. kaleo was really interesting and the Lord again prodded my heart about the american apparel give up.  i'm going to end up doing it.  gosh it will be hard.
or at least... thats what my brain says... it SHOULD be... but i dont think its actually going to be anywhere near as difficult as I think it will be... and noah will help me.
andrea too...

i'm meeting with Woody to discuss it...

mostly I'm just sorta scared... 
and then theres the fear that my pride will be the motivator in the end rather than God's glory.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

art and faith class.

today has been pretty amazing...
God is really being my prince of peace today...

just breathing.
just being.

madeleine l'engle helping me understand and being the catalyst to my rest filled heart.


Beautiful concepts... 
the Kirkegaard quote about the two knights... how bout i just say it???

Basically we discussed how there are two knights in every christian's life... the knight of resolute obedience... who sees the world as black and white... 
then the transition into greys...
the knight of faith...

the first knight closes his fist and pounds into his head the absolute truths looking at the world as right and wrong. does everything the Lord puts his way...

the second knight opens his hands to the Lord and says ... whatever you have me do Lord.

My questions then were about this transition into the second knight... that every christian must undergo as they mature...
What about all these students who are the first knight... but see the faith filled knight and hear his questions for the Lord, his addresses to the grey and his doubt about things they themselves see as black and white...

what about the students who are prematurely brought into questioning?  the cynicism that results as they look without the correct heart on the great questions of our faith...

how does one deal with a critical immature spirit... in ourselves and in others?


then the genius of Catling's love for Thomas.

Doubting Thomas who everyone chastises for his lack of faith... 
I'd thought about this a long time ago but it reawakened today ...
The other disciples had already betrayed Jesus... but quickly "believed" (catling believes, because of his experience with humans ... because they wanted that right hand spot with Jesus... to be able to say they had not doubted)
Thomas admitted he just didn't get it...
and what did Jesus do...

He REWARDED thomas by asking him to come experience greater intimacy...

This image that Catling believes represents birth... 
Men can only experience birth through being wounded... the ties to pain and the giving of blood and water to save lives... this is the birth that men give...

and Jesus wounds bled and released water... through them we are reborn...

Thomas experienced what Nicodemus was beckoned to in the garden at night....

new life.

haggai on day 2

Haggai 1

How can I tend to my own needs before I've given everything up for the Lord?
How could I care about my own nourishment while God's house remains in shambles in my heart?
How could I worry about making money while God asks me to remain in his presence?

I really needed this today.

Not eating is interesting.... yesterday wasn't that hard... 
but waking up this morning and seeing the dark color of my urine I became worried immediately and began to think about how I could compromise my fast.

Of course I need to be healthy so I am going to have a superfood and continue drinking all the water I have been... because I need energy.... to DO class... 

but God is important to me today... and I want him to know that.


Wendy and Lucy.   (andrea or bri? natalie?)
The Wrestler.
Happy Go Lucky.  (my mom)
Let the Right One In. ( kyler )
Owl and the Sparrow.
Rachel Getting Married. (lauren)
The Reader.
Synecdoche, New York. (dan i wish.)

jeeeeeeeze... what IS this??

Monday, January 19, 2009


i wish i could say that i could not relate to her at all...
but i'm afraid she's in me.

her fickle nature.

her confused attraction towards many.
her lack of consideration towards the hearts of men.

what is wrong with me...

could i destroy a man?
is it vain to think so?

i love this song.

god, i love you... but you trouble me.
she pushes him away...

Oh God,
You did not make my tragic heart for no reason...
my pace to quicken with each breath of magic.
my eyes to smolder and bleed tears welled deeply from depths beyond my physical heart...
Jesus... I want a love for all ages...
to be planted alongside the intertwining trees of tristan and isolde.
to endure through the hardships of hell... die thousands of times over... 

Oh Jesus... why do I always settle when you've promised me the ages?

Water and tend this depth in me,
This ancient spirit that escapes in gasps ...

Do not allow me to fall away and deny myself what you've promised...
Grant me the strength to wait.
Wait for someone who will love me beyond himself.
Someone who will die for me.... a thousand deaths... 
let me see it in his eyes.

Only do not let us fail.

this day God made for me.

item hat
item tank
item flannel
item pennies.

item waterbottle.
item blankets.
item movie.
item pillowsssssssss.


(i went to church, i CAF'd, i ended up going to the beach with the boys, subway, then haha saw BRIDEWARS with andrea and everyone from my hall... it was amazing..)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

with Jesus... 
you can ask any question... 
you can probe and prod and get frustrated even that there isn't an immediate answer to be had.

its a very obvious difference when you are searching into him...
pushing "further up and further in" versus merely being critical...
you can do either...

Jesus wont hate you for them...
but I want to be the first...

and when others are the second.. I want to be able to answer them kindly...

"a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." prov. 3:5

Lord, give me gentleness please.

sorting out thoughts.

how do you know when you need to slow... to say no to things?

i'm not sure how i'll ever make money because i need so much ME time to stay afloat how would i ever hold down a job?  i daydream all the day long.

i need to be self employed and just make art that I can sell at my own pace, with my own personal flavor being put into each one.

before church- 2d design project, clean room, read bible
after church- APU banner, UofO banner send to mike, write up for Art/Faith
cornerstone church for frances chan with paige?

Heal Hannah.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

i love my hall.

the girls in my hall are absolute gems.
incredibly normal so no one is intimidating.... for the most part REALLY friendly and inclusive.
There are like... some girls that we never see cause they study or hang out with other people... but everyone else comes to events and we have a blast.
I love andrea. like everything. :)
Sara is hilarious... like... she doesn't talk to much and push herself forward to grab attention but everything she says is really thoughtful and shows a lot about her.
ashley is absolutely hilarious and idk ANYONE like her.
nicole johnny is insane... looks sooo cute on her huge longboard and is always just like laughing and joking and including people..
the twins crack me up... like last night danielle telling a story to everyone and repeating this part about something to clarify... and nicole just being like, "GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!"  like in front of everyone... sooooo funny... i love watching them interact.
hannah carlson is so cute and joyful.
hannah brownell is the best RA in the world and the cutest singaporian on the planet.
melissa royball is just hilarious cause she sits back and listens to people talking and then starts busting up about random things that she noticed that she thinks are soooo funny.
sam is soooo funny... just bursts of laughter constantly.

there are a lot of other people...
but.... those are the ones that stand out to me from our bonfire last night...

today i have to just do homework and clean... or i probably wont get it all done! :/
but thats alright... i have monday too!  MLK day to hang out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

midweek thinker

sigh... today is thursday... the busy part of my week is over... actually... as of now i have no classes meeting on thursday or friday...
my 2d class... gosh dangit... i HOPE i can get in... but even if i do i only meet at 420-730 today... 
super nice..  so i signed up for clfm because if i can't get into 2d i need at least SOMETHING to take.  
idk what i'm going to do today...
i have some things i should probably accomplish but it feels like i have such a huge weekend ahead due to martin luther king jr day and all.
tomorrow night i'm going to the beach with my hall...
and then i think on saturday jake moyer is coming to hang out... and we may end up going to the beach...

John 13:34

"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other, just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


After reading Luke in one sitting.... taking notes on every chapter and discovering all the patterns that lay within the book... i just honestly am amazed with Jesus.

I want to know what kind of a person he was...
people dispute things... like when he called Herod a Fox... was that an insult or a culturally acceptable term for a royalty?  I guess mike's mentor doesn't think Jesus would ever insult anyone... and i love how mike called Jesus a prince of meekness...
but i want to understand what he meant then...
he insults the pharisees and the lawyers all the time.. it even uses that word in my bible...

but idk... i feel like because i've been indoctrinated with this least of these, last shall be first things... it becomes cyclical.... suddenly everyone sorta seems like they are first because they are all just so low.  Would Jesus rebuke the pharisees so much if he did not love them?  or maybe he is just maintaining the purity of his message by using their hypocrisy as a sounding board.
but i think its his love for them.

How did he sound when he spoke these words that I read in scripture... 

In Nazareth the people loved him at first and when they expressed it he insulted them so incredibly that they turned and wanted to hurl him off a cliff....

It makes me recall what Mike said the other night...
am i alright with the Jesus that the Bible presents?  

This prince of peace that also announces he has not come to bring peace at all but division amongst households!?

Its all so insane.
I love it because I know God's character some from my own experiences but its just interesting to see the strange wisdom that is squeezed out through the compounding of two very different concepts that we should assume contradict each other...

idk what i'm saying anymore...
i've been doing homework for 7 hours... and classes all day... sighhhhh

sleeeeeeep i want you.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

God help me with my schedule... 
i give it up.

Monday, January 12, 2009


I'm watching the second half of Tess of the D'urbevilles... 

Masterpiece Theater online is going to save my life this semester. 

new semester day uno

k... so the Lord made this day his... 
like... obviously every day is the Lords but he just took over my heart.. and blessed me... 
I woke up without an alarm clock at 7:30...
Enjoyed the warm sunshine in the room and listened to the birds chirping outside while i read and got ready...
Listened to some good worship and just enjoyed the morning...

I went to the Registrar's and got a couple questions answered and then headed off to chapel.
I missed brittany but it was alright cause I saw Lindsay Frey and so we found seats together.
Chapel was awesome.
Worship was amazing... 

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Then Terry Franson spoke and it was good... but a little disorganized... AND he forgot the name of the like... first woman president of a college or whatever who was there today visiting ... and it was sooo amazing.

He went to introduce her and said all that then said... "and i'm drawing a blank... !"  and everyone went "HUHHHH!!!!!!"

booked it to my 3d class... OH MY WORD I LOVE THIS CLASS.

so for my first project that has to have 50 sculptures... i'm taking wire and making circles.  all different sizes.  Then I'm going to hang them with fishingline from 2 dowels.  Theyll all be at different heigths and spiral and twirl and spin.  BEST MOBILE EVER... because... wait for it .. wait for it... i'm going to cover them all in feathers!

don't have to get a book... SHARIN.

then.... i had luke acts with Duzik so of course it was amazing.

I just signed up for Childrens Literature in between them... which will be AMAZING. i'm sooo excited.

Tomorrow my first class is at 1:05 and its Art/Faith and we meet in the coffee shop with Catling and just discuss all of that stuff... i'm soooo thrilled!

Then I have 2d.

honestly... all my classes are like... applicable to life.


and i'm excited!

Sunday, January 11, 2009


shower/ lauren's room for blow dryer and stuff
finish organizing desk.
scrape palatte
unpack rest of clothes
organize drawers
ask matt unruh about prayer list
email advisor and registrar again
pick out classes
books: get commentary no matter what
wall of photos
hang mobile
check mail
dinner with brittany

try and be in bed by like 10

apu day 1

got here.  
reorganized my desk.... 
got half way through unpacking and just couldn't continue. :/

andrea, sara, sammy, lauren and i went to Bman's for dinner... PRETTY good... i forgot how much i like that place...
ummm andrea and i love each other... 
i love how much she appreciates me and my stories...
and i love how she notices little things people do that no one else notices and then thinks they are great and tells everyone.
sammy is hilarious because she just randomly laughs REALLY loud and awkwardly at things and then is silent moments later... totally composed.
sara doesn't say a whole lot... i wish she would cause i know she is really nice and sweet but sometimes shes just super quiet!
lauren's lauren. :)

then i cleaned more and stuff...
talked with hannah about my winter break and how everything is going..

then finally the boys showed up.

i went to visit brittany and found them playing ping pong of course.... I MISSED JOSH SO MUCH.
k... these are the boys i hang out with from engstrom

kyler: is funny with how he is brutally honest about everything... constantly says things liek... "THAT WAS SOOOO LAME WHAT YOU JUST DID" and laughs at you... but its like... a friendly sort of laugh... and he also is always super sincere and equally honest when you do something he likes... "THAT WAS SOOOOOOO FREAKING COOL", he also gets really "into" random things... 

josh: giggles like a girl. rolls around when he laughs.  is constantly busting up.  highly sarcastic... flamboyant but straight... VERY opinionated... some of his opinions are really interesting and i like hearing them.. other times i just want him to stop because i feel like he is just being critical.

chris: just a big stuffed animal. really quirky.... likes to remember old times and tell stories about completely pointless things... just incredibly lovable..

davy: the most mellow human being..  
and then he randomly busts out with the most atrocious acts that surprise and sometimes disgust me.

anyways.. we sat around and talked... 
then went to in n out.... i got a double double :) it felt nice to be in california for those bites.... and then we drove back and now i'm in bed. 

Friday, January 9, 2009

dilly bar.

great success.


I am a sex slave.

The sex industry is not the problem of the handful of nasty perverted people in the world who take advantage of the poor and force the children of the impoverished into a prison of brothels.

its our problem.

The world I live in, what I allow to be sold, is what lines the walls of Eka's prison.

Pictures you see of girls sitting on their grimy mattresses, the place where they have numerous violent sexual encounters every day, they always show the walls covered in images of our pop stars... our actresses and actors.

The majority of porn, which so many of us are addicted to, is made by enslaved girls who are lied to every moment of their precious lives... "your worthless because you are a woman.... your honor is gone because this is all you'll ever be good for."

It breaks my heart.

Everyone who hears about disgusting things like the resowing of the hymen... upwards of 20 customers daily... 4 year olds giving oral sex... cages... 
EVERYONE is disgusted by it.

but no one cares about american apparel.
no one cares about classy calvin klein.
no one cares about these TV shows that send the message of CONFIDENCE and then challenge their contestants to strip to their underwear and dance in glass cases.
Bratz dolls in their thongs and spaghetti straps are raved about by little girls.


Am I really so lacking in self confidence that I would be alright with passing on the wallpaper that lines the cells of these poor girls?

It's a big trend:
knowing tea, knowing coffee, knowing books, knowing politics, knowing social injustices, condescension towards people who don't buy fair trade, buying toms, buying t-shirts, american apparel,  (i wrote another entry about this a little while ago...)
but its double speak...  we say we care about this stuff but... we don't.

we allow this hyper-sexualized society to control us.

I want to ask Noah for help.

I want to make a short film.

Give up all my American Apparel.

I want to go out in front of the LA headquarters and have Noah film with all his film studentness me stripping off a couple things... and like... piling them up.

then i want to just talk about... them.

I don't want it to be another trend.

i just want to talk about how... for ME... thats what I needed to do...

maybe for someone else... its giving up starbucks.

its doing what we find MOST sacrificial as an individual to say... IM NOT A SLAVE.

and i believe in FREEING EKA.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


i wish i cared more about money and how important it is... 
and i'm a complete jerk...
i hate being embarrassed.... like.. REALLY embarrassed...  my mom and i started yelling at each other and i called her an idiot... she called me some mean things too... i know its not REALLY her fault for throwing the check away... 
christmas is such a mess of trash.. and an opened envelope could easily get thrown away...
i was just frustrated and wanted her to randomly admit to anything so i could have a scapegoat and not have to own up to my grandparents.

micah is such a sweet brother...
he just came and sat down by me and put his arm around me... 

my dad is really patient and understanding too... I called to ask him what I should do and he just calmly addressed the situation and told me i had to be brave.

I'm really lucky to have such nice men in my family...
I don't give them enough love and credit.
Sometimes I even sorta forget about them.
like... the dominant people when i think of my family really are my sister and my mom...

my dad's taking my mom to the symphony tonight...

that was so random.

but my mom just told me while she was walking around and...
idk why but i just thought that was beautiful.

i wish my parents had more money to do things like that all the time...

it seems like a lot of people get to do stuff like that but they don't really appreciate it like my parents would.

it's interesting how many little things are beautiful.
like my dad taking my mom to the symphony...
like that i got to draw birds that look like real birds today...
like micah coming and sitting by me on the couch and giving me silent kindness and then telling me i was courageous.  

How can my God be so beautiful?

that knowledge, is like a cushion for my heart when it fell.


i added birds.

several warblers.

before i leave for school i want to finish this painting... 

1.elongate the boys legs... they are disproportionate...
2. finish second shoulder feather pad thing.
3. finish swirls.
4. add layers
5. move in ink.
6. water color pale wet orange around birds heads to highlight just the pencil
7. add  blank ink inside
8. photograph

HEHE. i'm excited cause i know this project is pretty good... maybe i can use it for a 2D piece when i need more time for another class... :)

before i leave:

1. find andreas owl ring
2. laundry
3. quarters
4. bank
5. finish painting and scan it
6. class schedule
7. art supplies : pencils, brushes, erasers, 
8. food: special k red berries, tea, cranberry almond crunch, pb and j's?, 
9. bowl, mugs, utensils, 
10. load photos off camera
11. flannel shirts
12. marshalls
13. resale shop
14. hang out with chris
15. call pnca
16. pack


i'm in so much pain.... its this pain that is frustrating... my body is a prison.
im feel full of evil water.  
heavy liquid pulling my spine to the ground.
i cannot move any way and find comfort.
pillows give no relaxation.
blankets become hot so my legs use the little strength they have to kick them off... but then i feel cold.
i walk to get medication...
its as though my legs are knee deep in sand.
my eyes wont focus.
hair is plastered to my forehead.
the evil water remains there... sloshing against my muscles till they are beaten and bruised.
medication does little.
if anything it will take an hour to kick in.
an hour of this hell.

i'm irritable.
the light bothers me.
chattering voices piss me off.
my palms hurt.
my legs contort stretch recoil to ease my pain and bring comfort.
i fall on whatever surface is available.

my answers are short quick and concise.
i have no patience.
my brain feels the rising bog inside its skull 

go away
go away 
go away
go away
go away

i think about the things that have bothered me lately and wonder if it was me... or the pain, dormant inside.... reacting... 

i'm irritable.
i'm terrible.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009



How do you carry another's burdens if if upsets them you notice they have them?


- 1: 10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men?  If I were  still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
I needed to read this.  
Grahm called me out on something that I know I really struggle with.  I'm constantly trying to win others approval.  I don't use my kindness or gentleness but I always want to be seen as brilliant, pretty, and talented to others.  This is not to say that using kindness of gentleness would be correct in this sense because any thing that isn't used for the glory of the Lord but for my own gain is the enemy of my best potential.  The Lord wants me to have a heart that finds him sufficient.  It is pleasing Him that is my end game; the most important of my efforts.
- 2:11 "When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. (Paul was sitting with Gentiles but upon the arrival of Jews began to return to old customs and sit only with them for fear of their judgement, the other Christians followed him.)  14 When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, "You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew.  How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?"

Obviously Paul's point is that we are all no longer under the law so being confident in this will keep people like Peter from falling back into their old ways of living separated from the Gentiles because of the law.  
What I noticed is the way in which Paul calls Peter out.   It says he said these words in front of everyone which sort of acknowledges that there isn't any shame in messing up.  But what is interesting is that he doesn't seem to directly address it the way I might have.  He doesn't come out accusingly: "You sat with the Gentiles before, but when you arrived you started only sitting with the Jews for fear of their judgement!"  
THIS i know is something I would do so I can say it would be fueled out of the desire to personally enjoy some sort of thrashing of another person.  I wouldn't be looking out for the person themselves.
When I think about how I would look out for the person, I immediately imagine that I would pull them away some where by themselves.  I would then say it in this blunt manner but I think I would be safe from accusation that I had done it meanly. 
The way Paul does it shows that he believes no one could accuse him of wrongdoing.  
He says it in the open for the Christian community to hear, but he says it in a way that seems to sound a little more filled with grace.
I don't think that I'm mature enough in the Lord to call a person out like this.  Somehow it seems like I would have trouble and my own self would get in the way too much.  But I'm sure the Lord had me notice this for some reason.  If only to stop my mouth and allow another to rebuke people that I see doing wrong.... or to ask the Holy Spirit to help me if I'm asked to call someone out for THEIR benefit and for the LORDS benefit.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


unknown coffee places
reading books by like... Kirkegaard 
watching Gondry films 
drawing female genitalia, calling it art
observing inappropriate images and calling it art because you don't want to appear close minded
saying "f"
hating people who wear uggs
fake glasses
knowing art
having the corner on music knowledge
being funny
social justice
american apparel
gaussian blur
footy pajamas for adults
name dropping
agnostic thought
discussing existentialism
knowing ZINN
native americans : INDIANS... ?
muted tones and browns

i could go on forever.
i think... what i'm realizing more and more... is that there is NOTHING NEW under the sun...
i respect people who don't try and squeeze into conversations that they love unicorns because thats like almost become a hipster symbol... its cool to like unicorns now???

i like people that like their own things.. because they like them...
like Alex Johnson loving narwhals and everything that has to do with deep sea voyage.... studying ships and reading fictions about sailors... 
he likes that.

i like meaghan larkin loving paper cranes and hanging them everywhere and making them constantly.

i like lauren's amazing ability to memorize characters names in any movie she sees and the way she can recite a line back to you... i love that we enjoy the same absolutely ridiculous movies.

and the thing is...
Alex's infatuation with narwhals, was infectious.  We all started drawing them and talking about them and making jokes about them.
Meaghan's cranes are what I used to ask Grahm to prom... we hung them to mark our place in the art building ... 
Lauren and I have brought in so many people to watch those dumb movies with us...

its because when YOU have a quirky adoration for some part of creation or life... whatever...
people enjoy it more..

not when everyones scrambling to keep themselves on the top of the heap of ever changing trend followers.

Certainly, I like clothes that are in style... I enjoy tea and discussing good authors... but I think there is an attitude that can be carried that is false... fake... lacking....
it shouts out that you wouldn't admit to enjoying this THING if no one respected you for it... if everyone thought it was weird... you wouldn't even like it... 
cause you maybe you don't...


In honor of my visiting Seibert tomorrow...

i'm rereading Labyrinths.

Also, can i just say... 
that i'm getting really exhausted of people who honestly, are NOT that well read, 
acting as though they are... 
dropping names that we've all heard a million times... then quoting them to make it seem that they are brilliant... 
i'm sorry.. but the few people i've met in my life that just exude genius do not do this...
SEIBERT... for one was a highly learned and experienced man and part of his genius was that quotations bubbled from his lips like a fountain... but he rarely mentioned who originally spoke them... 
MY FATHER... is one of the most quiet reserved men when it comes to his intellect... he jokes around and converses like normal... but if you sit him down and really want to know what he wrote his dissertation on... you are in for a LOT of learning...

never you mind... i'm done... i can't handle it though...

i hope i never "put on airs" as some of these people i keep encountering.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Diana Sudyka

I love her textures.
The sky is so beautiful with how delicate it is against the tree... 

color choices are minimalistic... neutrals/browns are appealing to me.


1. a severe mercy
2. meaghan's gift
3. to talk to hannah on skype with grahm
4. bring tea
5. purse/clothes bag/laptop/bible notebook
6. call meaghan and simon
7. get addresses
8. don't make promises you can't keep
9. ask lauren for a cd
10. see ms. cain and seibert


do you ever just randomly have the sensation in your brain of smelling a specific thing?

i was outside my door on my step, and i suddenly felt the smell and memories of having my nose right up next to a horse... the smell of barns...
NOTHING by me smelled of this... you could breathe in pine and cold air and wood...

not stable smell... 


i wonder why your brain does that sometimes... very interesting.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

ruddy cheeks.

thomas hardy's Tess of the Darbyvilles...

no more masterpiece theater... 

the charming boy with the outlandish name looked like grahm a lot... which isn't exactly helpful on a lonely sad night like tonight.

classes.... hmmmm

1376 CMIN108 07 Christn Life, Faith & Ministry T R 01:05-02:30P Azusa AZDUKE520 Bruner, M 3.0
0005 ART 130 02 Two-Dimensional Design T R 04:20-07:20P Azusa AZARTC8 Suzuki, Macha 3.0 0
0070 ART 135 02 Three-Dimensional Design M W 10:40-01:30M Azusa AZDUKE301 Catling, Wm. 3.0 1248 PE 240 02 
1520 UBBL230 12 Luke/Acts M W 04:20-05:45P Azusa AZHILL236 Duzik, Mark 3.0

Saturday, January 3, 2009


If my dad gets accepted... my house will be rented out and my family will move to Oxford.

My dad explained to me today what his dissertation is on... and I can tell how afraid he is to hope he'll get in...
its such a huge deal.

the PHD theologians at Oxford are 140 in number... and all of them have extremely specialized degrees.
APU's undergrad has like 6... same with George Fox.... 

His topic is so interesting... 
but its insane the amount of knowledge he knows just in the background to his study that is completely over my head.

My dad would be researching to write a book on something no one has written anything on since 300 AD

what in the world.

why is my dad sooo insanely smart and cool.

Like... I wish I could remember all the names of things he explained to me... its so interesting.

He wants to study, essentially, the divinity of Jesus.
I guess like, the church agrees that Jesus was divine but no one agrees on exactly what that means.... 
Theres like these strange words for the understanding of the original greek that my dad explained... 
and christological whosiwhatsits.... 
i WISH i could explain it... I KNOW what it is... but i dont know any of the correct terminology...

But what I think is the most cool is that really only 3 men have attempted to write about this... and they've been dead for thousands of years.

Oxford only accepts proposals of study that interest them... that no one else is studying...
And my dad's I guess is supposed to be accepted... according to the theologians he studies under at George Fox...

I guess its really good...

Which... I am SO proud of him.
No wonder my mom is obsessed with Oxford... she loves my dad.

If I married someone... and they were this brilliant and capable of studying in one of the most amazing places in the world... THE place to study... with access to THE MOST knowledge in the world.... 
I would become enthralled with that place too...

Oxford that is romantic with its steeple chases and pubs.  Quiet, brilliant minds... 
I think i'm going to go finish A Severe Mercy now.

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, Bless the Lord.

so, last night during our quiet time at The Way it seemed that everything the Lord revealed had to do with having a good attitude in different situations while being at school.
He wouldn't do that if I wasn't going back.

so I am.

My dad and I talked everything over today... 
I'll return as planned next weekend and do this semester.
My application to PNCA must be done by March which means:
I need a bunch of life drawings.
I need to finish feather shoulder man this week.
I need to write my two essays this week...

I can probably do the essays while I'm in Eugene.
Feather guy at home.
Life drawings while at school.

I guess this is good... 
The Lord will be with me.

I can face the roommate situation head on and not run from it.

I can become better friends with Andrea.

I can work hard in my art classes and only take other classes that I'm interested in.

portland is beautiful.
i think maybe i love it because they have maintained a short distance between glorious countryside and urban settings.  
I can escape to be by myself.
I can find people to distract me from myself.

(currently I am listening to the quiet screamings of the ice in my fathers glass...  their voices crackle and soar).

Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe...

I am fascinated with Jabberwocky... 
It's possibly the only famous poem I have completely memorized... 

I just think... I love that Lewis Carroll completely made up words that we understand simply because of the letters used in them.  I've wanted to do this.  Grahm has too.  But discovering that someone else... who I've never met and never will... a fellow human though, has acted upon this interest is strange.  Exciting really.

It reminds me of these things: (stupid connectedness controlling my brain again...)
1. word worm in cranium... when they ask you about a word that no ones ever heard before... define it! they demand... and give you some options... and you could get it right... because they know that our brains associate certain sounds from letters with concepts and items.

2. That study that says if one only rearranges the insides of a word but keeps the bookends a person's brain will sort it out and be capable of reading it....

I think theres just a lot to be discovered with this... why do I associate certain combinations of letters and the sounds they make with concepts?

I wonder if it happens as a child... or if it takes familiarity, years of speaking a language to become so attached.


The God of the Quiets 
has called you to join.

Gentleness in Love speaks volumes.

Friday, January 2, 2009

glug glug


glug glub...

bubbles bubbles...


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Face of Grace

all you are is all He needs,
so come rest in the shadow of Peace.


1. What were Moabites?  Is there a possibility Ruth was not Hebrew?  
2. Where is Moab in relation to Judah?
3. Why did Naomi have the girls come with her a short way, before demanding they turn back and return to the city?  Did she just suddenly realize they need not come?
4. What were the laws about a woman remarrying after her husband's death?
5. What is going on in Ruth's heart that causes her to stay with her mother Naomi?  Why is it different from Orpah's response?  Was Orpah's response poor, or simply what the Lord asked of her?  Am I to compare the two and look at the treatment of their mother-in-law in light of their decision?
6. Is there significance to the word choice in v. 14 "but Ruth CLUNG to her,"?
7. It seems as though Ruth did not previously believe solely in YWHW, so why was Naomi's son married to her?  How was this ok?
8. Aren't their laws that require taking care of widows?  Certainly women had few rights but it seems that they should have some way to gather grain other than the peasants... How does the Hebrew culture observe treatment of poor widows?
9. What does "glean" mean?
10. How was it looked upon for a man to not marry?  Did Boaz have any other wives?
11. What does it mean for Ruth that Boaz would ask her only to glean from his fields and to stay with his servant girls?  Was this an honor?  Why does she describe his showing favor to her with such awe.
12. How were foreigners treated that Ruth should feel so surprised by his actions?
13. What must everyone else in the story have thought of Boaz and his actions to bless Ruth?
14. In what way would Ruth have been harmed had she been in another man's field? Rape?
15.  What is this word "kinsman-redeemer?"
16. Was this act of laying at a man's uncovered feet (on the threshing floor) a common and understood act?  Why then should she hide until after he had eaten and drank? a sign of respect?  How did Boaz know what to do?
17.  Was it because he ate and drank that Boaz was "in good spirits," is this why Naomi asked her daughter to wait?
18.  Was Ruth so young?  why would Boaz bring up the fact that she COULD have run after younger men but she chose him as an act of her kindness? What was her first act of kindness... does he mean unto him? or unto Naomi?
19.  What if the closer kinsman redeemer wanted Ruth?  What would have been good about that? Is this purely a cultural thing they accepted or would it have been sad? 
20. Does it matter whether or not Ruth and Boaz loved each other or not?  How is their love expressed?
21. Why does Boaz take such a roundabout approach?  Did this man not know how awesome Ruth was and was merely afraid of having his name damaged by taking in a widow?

1. ummm the fact that Naomi calls herself Mara (meaning: bitter) shows that Ruth was super dedicated... my word her mother-in-law was probably one of the most frustrating people to be around.
2. the foreman really describes how dutifully Ruth works in the field picking grain.  He spends time describing it and the impression the reader is left with is that her hard work was a positive thing, as it is following this knowledge Boaz rewards her.
3. It seems that with the blessing of Boaz to Ruth and Ruth to Naomi unconditionally Naomi's voice in the chapters seems to soften.  Before she seemed to complain but now it seems she is concerned not about her own plight but of Ruth's.  She wants to help Ruth find a husband who will take care of her.
4. I love that Boaz tells Ruth that all the townsmen know Ruth is a woman of noble character.  How much could this say about her?  For every man in the town to know this about a "nobody," a widow... says a lot about her character. 
5.  Because of Ruth's character she was able to bless Naomi so much and give her "love that is better than that of seven sons, and who was able to give birth."
6. Ruth's actions as a woman after God's heart led her to birth Obed who was the father of Jesse who was father to David.

There are a few things Ruth did that are the result of all these wonderful blessings.
She was dedicated to loving someone even though they were unlovable.  We don't really know why she did it other than she seemed to feel she must. 
She followed her mother in law even though it meant abandoning her people, her belief system, and her country.
She served her mother in law in what seems like a potentially dangerous situation.  Going out to glean the fields after men who seemingly had no respect for her and who she did not know.
She worked hard all day taking only one short break and when blessed was extremely grateful towards her benefactor.
She obeyed Naomi and did exactly what she asked of Ruth in regards to Boaz, something Boaz regarded highly.  We aren't sure whether or not Ruth really wanted Boaz for a husband but from her gratefulness she likely respected him.  She could have had a younger man, he seems to think but instead chose him.

Her noble character was known by all his fellow townsmen.

THIS amazes me... She seems to possess that gentle spirit that speaks much louder through its dutiful faithfulness then in loud brash words.

dismal and glorious rain.

things i am greatly stressed about:
1. deciding whether or not I'm going to APU next semester
2. meeting with my dad tomorrow and discussing my bank statement
3. meeting with mike following to figure out the graphics piece 
4. michelle and grahm are going back to school.
5. getting a job if i stay here.
6. being lonely if i stay here.
7. money.
8. applications.
9. resume.
10. the fact that i haven't read my bible today.

hmmmm MAYBE that last one should get taken care of huh? if i want to be CAPABLE of effectively dealing with these issues... gosh am i a total lackbrain?

Oh Lord Make Us One

Make Us One

Written By Zach Hall/Jay Hall/Jason Morant


May Your will be done in us


In Your arms we learn to trust

A/C# D

You are our strength, our strength oh God


May Your name be glorified


By our lips and by our lives

A/C# Bm

Lord have Your way, have Your way in us


As we cry out to You, oh Lord make us one


Let the whole earth see through us what You’ve done

A G/B A/C# G

May our hands find reach for what our words can’t preach

D – Bm – A/C#

Oh Lord, make us one


Though Your charity survives


All our stumbling, all our lies

A/C# Bm

Jesus we pray, have Your way through us

As we cry out to You, oh Lord make us one

Let the whole earth see through us what You’ve done

May our hands find reach for what our words can’t preach

Oh Lord make us one

Solo Section (A G D - A G D - A/C# G/B D/F# G)

i wish i lived in rohan.

id know a thing or two about horses and killing orcs.