Tuesday, December 30, 2008

in your atmosphere

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 
I don't know how to land and not race to your door 
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 
I'm not sure that I really ever could 
Hold on to your hotel key in your 
Bedroom neighborhood 
be sleep-walking in Hollywood 

I'm gonna steer clear 
Burn up in your atmosphere 
I'm gonna steer clear 
Cause I'd die if I saw you 
I'd die if I didn't see you there 
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 

I dont think I'm gonna go to LA anymore 
I get lost on the boulevard at night 
Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right 
the ten and the two is the loneliest sight 

I'm gonna steer clear 
Burn up in your atmosphere 
I'm gonna steer clear 
Cause I'd die if I saw you 
I'd die if I didn't see you 

I'm gonna steer clear, oh yeah 
Burn up in your atmosphere here 
I'm gonna steer clear 
Cause I'd die if I saw you 
I'd die if I didn't see you there 
see you there 

I think I'm gonna stay gonna stay in the gray think I'm gonna stay 
And all the street lights say nevermind nevermind 
All the canyon lines say nevermind 
Sunset says we see this all the time, nevermind, never you mind. 

Where ever I go 
Whatever I do 
I wonder where I am I wonder where I am 
In relation to you 
Where ever you go 
Where ever you are 
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar 
Where ever O go 
Whatever I do I wonder where I am 
In my relationship to you 
Wherever you go 
Where ever you are 
I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar 
1. call michelle: what day is she back, when Ikea?, when meeting with mike?, running on new years?
2. sign up to run in the New Years thing, pay the 30 bucks
3. go to anthropologie, go to urban outfitters,
4. email the office of undergrad to find a form for leaving APU
5. look for a job
-platos closet
-whole foods
-talk to mike
6. call PNCA and schedule a meeting
7. talk to lauren and chris and find out when we are going to Eugene

I don't understand why my grandpa  likes me more than everyone else and goes to such great lengths to make it known.
I am pretty sure I know the reason... but I still don't get WHY.

monies are appreciated... but it still makes me feel weird..


Monday, December 29, 2008

matt unruh:
this is a man i just don't understand.
i'm such a complex human being.
and i'm afraid matt must be extremely simple.... and it is for that reason... i just honestly don't understand him.

i've not a clue what i'm going to do about school and all this stuff...
i've heard loads of differing insights on the matter.
here is a list:

grahm: personal example, how school was good... but money? soooo pray.
chris: prayed for me, parents will be a good indicator
dad: appreciates a well rounded college experience including biblical education. understands about the money thing. definately something to pray about.
michelle: its ultimately up to me. k. (aaaah.) saves money. give it a full year? is that money worth it?
mom: understands the money thing, devils advocate, living at home? realistic
mike: job offer of course... jeeze gimme a break?
lisa stone: prayer. what role could i play on my campus?

matt unruh: self iniciated
i never went to him... he just came to me and said he really wanted me in the youth group... but it was like a serious demand... like... they wanted me to help. he wanted me.
i have never really felt wanted by matt for anything.
when i told him about school he mentioned what i've sort of been thinking about...
that one way the Lord has of telling us... is melting away the passion for something in our heart.
that's how i feel.

its just a matter of do i waste that money this semester?

its so unbelievably stressful.

You see absolutely every possibility of my future.
You know all the important, huge decisions,
but you also see the tiny ones... the little ones that shape me.

God FIRST OFF: idk what is wrong with me right now... i have no idea how to get back into your heart and will and mindset.... give me a new, refreshed desire for your word.
WHY do i suddenly feel like i've read it all already... absorbed it all...
OBVIOUSLY i haven't... but i'm so bored with it... and that's sickening cause i know its deep inside of me.
SECONDLY: this whole thing with grahm. Gosh dangit i really messed up. I was selfish and wrong. but i've no idea how to deal with it.... only time i guess will heal these things.
and maybe if he could see that you've really changed my heart he could trust me again.
so help that too.... but NOT because i want him to trust me but because its right... change my heart about that also.
FINALLY: this stuff with school. what am i supposed to do? if i stayed home... would i be super bored? what if its a mistake?? what if i can't find a good job or i am just not good at it? What if i can't make enough money to make up for all of this nonsense? what if i can't get a good enough scholorship to PNCA to make sure i dont have student loans?!


i'm so overwhelmed Lord.

LOVE YOU OVERWHELM ME. i will sing... i will sing...

oh the mystery of your grace,
oh the wonder of your face,
your glory fills this place.
brown is now my favorite color.

i know they change constantly...
currently they are:

i'm sorry...
but it just bothers me.
she should not be allowed to talk to him as though they are best friends.
they aren't.
just because i messed up doesnt mean she can start dropping little comments ... i dont know... it just bothers me.

i don't know what's alright and what isn't.

can i sit by him?
can i joke around?

it makes me sad that i'm so weak that i STRUGGLE to keep from being insensitive and maintain my distance.
i just love being friends SO much.

gosh i need Jesus.

also: its 1:50 a.m. aaaaannnnnddddd umm paul is snoring. and so is my dad. what on EARTH!? can't i have a little quiet?

man alive.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

with love at christmas

I wish my friends all knew how much I love them.

Even more than that, I wish they all knew how much Jesus loves them.

Today, I was just in awe of Jesus coming to earth at all...
I know not everyone believes Jesus was the son of God, or that God exists at all, but if a person was willing to play along and look at this concept... with all of its many facets... I think one would be willing to admit, the news is astonishingly good.

If it WAS true.... just imagine... God, the timeless being, the origin of all good things, creator of everything that we stop to stare at... the one who imagined romance, words, music, feelings, stars, mitochondria, feathers, COLORS, the way bare branches look framed against deep, dark skies....
HIM, that God... what if after creating us his great love gave us the option to love him back or not... the REAL sort of love... not forced but up to you....
But at the same time He knew that loving Him would be the best thing for us... the only way for us to really understand beauty.
That choice, that I'm confronted with a million times every day, i so consistantly fudge up.

This messed up world filled with the mistakes of humans. Wars, and malnutrition, rape and pollution. Hate and envy, death and tyranny.
Jesus looked down and kept loving us. Heart broken for his creation that chose not to love Him but pursued their own selfishness.
WHY!!?! it makes NO sense to me. He had given us our chance. He filled our world with the most intricate display of His being and love towards us. (I'm constantly in awe that he created so many variations of things, and the ability in our brains to pursue their meaning and niche).
How did we miss Him?
How do I miss Him?
every day?
Why don't I exalt him every time I see someone smile? YOU created that God!? You are BRILLIANT and AMAZING! AND YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR??
but though he'd given us our chance... he didn't give up on us.

Instead he saw us in our despair and said, "Get me a body."

He came down and he didn't take on the form of a conquerer, trumpets blaring as he rode in to set us straight.

...He came as a baby?
It's just so darn weird!!!
And as though that wasn't enough he had to come in the most awfully perfect time in history.
Mary endured birthing the KING of the UNIVERSE alone in a dirty cave with a bunch of gross animals. She laid God in a trough for animals. His ministry took place amongst prostitutes and liars. He called high school drop outs to come and be his followers. He died the most painful death mankind has created.

THIS is why for me, Jesus is the love of my heart.
Because he knew ME.

Knew that it was this ability to use the stupid, poor, and hypocritical that would cause me to love Him.
That would open my eyes and display his character.

He didn't HAVE to come to earth.
WHY not just delete this feeling that something isn't right. That war isn't the answer. GET RID of the part of my brain that tells me over and over that there is MORE and it isn't sex and it isn't being smarter. The knowing that whatever it is THIS day that I turn to distract me momentarily from the EMPTYNESS won't help. Just get rid of this thing in humans that searches for more more more.

Jesus fills my emptyness.
He smiles and love me. He changes my heart so that I can stop hating and being annoyed by Simon and start loving and enjoying him as much as I love Michelle.
Certainly I'm a hypocrite. I say I believe in this beautiful God who is worth dying for and then I settle for spending 5 minutes gossiping and bashing on someone.

But honestly... isn't that the beautiful part of Christmas...
That... I'm not perfect?

Because God took on a body, and then pierced it and felt pain. Went to the farthest extremes to prove his love for me?
I still don't choose to love him as I should.... I mess up every day.

but... He assures me that he'd never take it back.

It makes no sense. And it makes me whole.

farandole and peter/wendy

I'm rereading some of Madeliene L'engle's books,
Currently: A Wind in the Door
and my mother just turned on the television and Peter Pan was on.

It's flooded my mind with weird thoughts... personal analysis. I've recently been criticized for constantly thinking about myself, and though I admit I do act selfishly sometimes I think that I just have so many thoughts that analyze my own self that its difficult to move past it onto other things...
"all for want of a horseshoe nail..." and all that ...
we're all connected... and if a person couldn't yet understand the need for a nail for the horse's shoe how could a person ever fully grasp why the message was never delivered?

I've had a lot of connecting thoughts between the faraendola and mitochondria... the need for them to "deepen." My calling and all that... to grow up...
I don't want to... I want to stay and enjoy things forever... like drinking iced tea lemonade that my mom bought. simple pleasures... protected...
the ability to not worry about the lower parts of Maslow's pyramid in order to ascend unto the appreciation of beauty... which is something that markedly keeps me little.

Its figured out then. A great part of the reason for children's ability to "wonder" is that they have not the worries of money and safety.
it seems that after the fall so many things became hindrances and its only until they are taken care of one can enjoy freely the earth's gardens.

Peter pan and wendy are like two parts to my soul. A sort of loving balance. In growing up the correct way one must be able to allow Wendy to grow up (and like the boy from the Little Prince, put on the face of an adult only breaking out one's boa constrictor drawings for those who seem to have maintained childlikeness) and yet allow Peter to stay young forever.

"peter pan had countless joys that other children can never know, but he was looking at the one joy that he would be forever barred."

I have to find a way to enjoy the hardships of growing up.
and maintain inside of me a child.

It's commanding Sporos to deepen. inside of me.
understanding what Sporos said, "It is only when we deepen that we are truly able to move."

aggreeing that my place in the universe cannot be stagnant (an easily unnamed, useful tool for hell/ecthose/satan, a nothingness) but that I'm essential, especially when I come of age...

I know not a lot of this makes sense...
but I think it would make a wonderful concept for an art theme.

Monday, December 22, 2008


feathers from michaels

mom: plate, earrings
dad: kinkos for that photograph, mat and frame
ariel: anthropologie housekeeping section
paul:REI giftcard & book?
micah: snoopy shirt

mom: mint chocolate
dad: coffee chocolate
ariel: forever 21 jewelry
paul: IVE NO IDEA?!?!
micah: cd: data disc

lauren's birthday:
grahm: ... and space music poster

people at school:
postcards in their mail.

Personal: cheap mondays dark cigarrettes
flannel shirt from Atlas in Seattle


i know my intentions were different.

and yet... the result seems the same...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Not with a club the heart is broken,
Nor with a stone;
A whip, so small you could not see it,
I've known

To lash the magic creature Till it fell,
Yet that whip's name too noble
Then to tell.

Magnanimous of bird
By boy descried,
To sing unto the stone
Of which it died.
Heart, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim:
Haste! lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!
He fumbles at your spirit
As players at the keys
Before they drop full music on;
He stuns you by degrees

Prepares your brittle substance
For the ethereal blow,
By fainter hammers, further heard,
Then nearer, then so slow

Your breath has time to straighten,
Your branin to bubble cool,-
Deals one imperial thunderbolt
That scalps your naked soul.

change me

I stayed up til 4 30 reading the word.... not well I might add... I was incredibly distracted...
It's really hard not to read the bible like we do in my classes.
I need to figure out how to balance the romantic feel I once felt from it with the intellectual puzzling we do in classes.

I'm not eating today.

Honestly, I think the most heartbreaking thing is that I don't ever see my friend stoop to cruelty when people are unkind or mess up. Writing things to let everyone know in a poetic way exactly how awful a person is ... that's wrong.
It isn't forgiveness. I don't really have any place to say that... I keep forgetting the person is ME they are talking about... and I want to correct them....
It's unattractive and not as respectful to bash on people in this way.
Very unJesus-like.
I know I've done it before and I know how easy it is.

Did I break your heart by
Straying so far?
From what you have in mind
For my life?

Would you change me from
Who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing
Without you

Did my words betray the
Patience I once claimed
Can't you see it in my face?
I need your grace

Would you change me from
Who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing
Without you
Would you save me from
The way I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living
Without you
my heart is so broken.
i can't believe i did this to my best friend....

Lord, please.

How great are Your ways such encompassing grace,
Love that reaches beyond each defense,
Your mercy disarms the most broken of hearts,
Such complete and profound faithfulness....

How could I thank you?
I love You, Lord.
I love You, Lord.
I love You, Lord.


3 steps backwards

Lord, draw me into that shining barrier.
Prune at the tree of our love.