Saturday, June 20, 2009

i'm going to jr high camp now


on one hand i'm sorta nervous because i hope my attitude doesn't get the better of me.

i'm don't agree with the speakers teaching style.  
honestly i think he's horrible for children and i would not want my children to be mentored by someone who feels the need to make christianity into a big joke in order to force feed it to people.

sure : a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... la la laa

but Christianity's "sugar" or whatever is going to be THE LOVE OF JESUS period...
you don't need to sell stupid tee shirts that read "fart on the devil" or wear a rubber chicken on your head to get kids to want Jesus.

(sorry ill stop... i'm on a "relevancy" soap box)
i just don't like being treated like an ingrate because i'm young... and i don't like seeing people do it to kids younger than me either.

it makes me wonder if HE found Jesus because someone made a fool out of themselves and only gave them placental liquid when they needed something almost solid food wise.

if so ill eat my words.

of COURSE i know that God always moves at camp...
he moved the last year this guy spoke and he'll move again... 
theres far too many people who are head over heels in love with jesus helping for it to be lost on the kids...

but it just makes me sad because how much better would chapel be if the speaker was someone who understood the place children have in Gods kingdom and preached out of that?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tis' a truth universally acknowledged...

watching Becoming Jane depresses me.  
you have to though.  its so bittersweet and you need that sometimes...
but now it must be counteracted by some pride & prejudice.

i would do mansfield... but i don't own that one yet.

Monday, June 15, 2009


ok... i'm sorry but i find it super weird how many professional models come out of sunset high school..

kerry degman.. yeah that was weird.

 but then theres just like 15 random girls from ALL over the board who are like in magazines.
thats weird.
i'm sorry... but its weird for me.

like julia ohman... WHO KNEW?  just weirds me out kinda that theres people who really do modeling and its liek normal.. that seems so abnormal to me.  idkdidkdidkdikdidd 


i'm a lazeeeeey girl on mondays.

it may not be for the best that my room is the most peaceful place in the entire world because it means i can lay on my bed and read and stare out the window... or at the walls because the shadows are equally as beautiful.

its PRETTTTTY bad.

oh tielli is here. love him.

Friday, June 12, 2009

things i'm pondering.

blindness :
something no one wants to happen to them.
blind people in scripture are healed in ways similar to sickness.
blindness is often used to signal in literature the person who "sees" clearest.
people who were healed of their blindness saw Jesus WITHOUT seeing him... and then when healed the first thing they saw was his face.
people who are blind and love jesus will see him when they die and he will be the first thing they see.

withered and cracked bones :
jon wallace told me to "just stay withered for a while"
i underlined several psalms (including 51... which is following Davids sin with Bathsheba) that use the word "withered" and "cracked bones"
apparently when a sheep wandered away from its shepherd ... into the hills where the wolves are the shepherd would leave the flock behind and search for the lost lamb.  upon finding the sheep lost and in the hills he would break all four of its legs and then tenderly place the bleeding sheep over his shoulders and carry it home.  As the sheep remained around its masters neck for the next several months it would heal, until when it was finally ready to walk again.  This sheep who had been properly disciplined would never leave the shepherds side.

i got this image of a straightjacket ... which has always been a sign of horror for me... likely due to films and television shows...
but this time the phrase of "a merciful straightjacket" appeared in my head... and thats what they are aren't they?  humanities restraint so people cannot hurt themselves or others.
i was incredibly disturbed in reading The Red Tent at a part where following the murder of her husband Dinah begins to claw at her own neck until blood flows.
Her mother in law and the woman's brother have to restrain her in order to keep her from hurting herself... even in the night when she is dreaming... she needs their control.
i'm so distracted sometimes that its like i need someone who understands my add to come and just grab my head and make me focus.... i need a sort of merciful straightjacket so i will stop clawing at my own neck and doing damage to myself through these painful distractions.

was God's themed message for me tonight.

The Way was super good, with a simple straightforward and much needed sermon on what exactly sin is... how we do it... how we avoid confronting it... and why it is that we need Jesus... and finally, what he does FOR us that we must accept to be made whole.

But God really wanted to emphasize for me in these three different images that there are things he does that can appear restraining in a horrible way but are really because he is like my loving father screaming at me to keep out of the street.

I realized that i could be blind.... i choose it... it would be a blessing... in this case it seemed to pertain more to my "knowledge" and all that i already seem to KNOW about the lord that BLINDS me to who he is and what he wants to do for me... so in asking for him to gouge out my eyes i am asking for him to give me true sight and to guide me with something other than what i'm used to... to make me uncomfortable and forced to rely on him.

I realized that i want to be crippled.  I want to be draped around the Shepherds neck because that sheep is closest to him.  Thomas is constantly rebuked by the church for his doubt ... but it is THOMAS that is invited INTO Christ's wounds... to come in and touch them and experience physically Jesus.  I want Jesus to break off the branches that aren't bearing good fruit and showing people HIM.  I want him to cripple my legs and walk for me... drape me over his shoulders and keep me closest.  
this helped me understand so much better why the Lord desires contrite and broken hearts.  cause thats what ... here on earth... gets us closest to him.

I realized I want the Lord to tie my hands behind my back and secure my mind on him.  I want a merciful straightjacket that will pin me to my seat and force my eyes to look on the cross.  I want to experience the firm discipline that only a MUCH LOVED child receives.  And I want to be kept from hurting myself and destroying the building blocks the Lord wants to use to build himself up inside me with.

i want to be bound, tied, gagged, and blinded because i KNOW that Jesus is the best thing in the world and if my flesh would just stop being so ridiculous i could experience him.

i asked the lord
so God... no job this summer?
i guess thats cool with me.

this is how my week goes:
church with chris at solid rock
eat with family (save $$)
maybe do sunday night at 6
read and work on art

hang out with my mom/pilates/bike ride/resale shop/artwork/read/

hang out with my mom/pilates/bike ride/resale shop/artwork/read/
usually play with edward/amoeble/tielli

hang out with my mom/pilates/bike ride/resale shop/artwork/read/
high school group -lord give me patience

hang out with my mom/pilates/bike ride/resale shop/artwork/read/
Door of Hope
(possibly going to start helping with childcare)
make friends please lord?

hang out with my mom/pilates/bike ride/resale shop/artwork/read/
Solid Rock / nightstrike with door of hope guys

mah friends.
i'm going to try and be on the east side exploring at least once a week.... 
i figure if i'm going to be investing in church there... might as well KNOW everywhere.
the mission/ with door hope guys

begin again.

mostly: its me doing artwork... lounging and pondering and contemplating.
and then going out to hardxcore serve people...
which i'm totally down with...
if i have time to read and relax and think... i can better love on others.

i have to be loved to love.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

yes... i do know what music i want at my wedding

wedding songs:
i plan on having a full orchestra... and brent mills... cause not anyone can handle park on piano... :)

as guests enter: skipping rope  & entering the garden by Zbiegnew Priesner
&  Just Make Believe by Patrick Doyle  (yes there is a sitar)

processional:  the park on piano by

(but i wish i could ALSO have "Shows Dickon Garden"  by Zbiegnew Priesner 

Communion & Worship: Happily Ever After Zbiegnew Priesner

Outwards Processional: Times A Waistin' by Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash

the park on piano : jan a. kazscmarek

i've realized why i'm losing friends.

...they are growing up.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

fav song.

i've got peace like a river i've got peace like a river i've got peace like a river in my soooooouuuuul
makes me sing hallelujah makes me sing hallelujah makes me sing hallelujah in my soul!

i've got joy like a fountain i've got joy like a fountain i've got joy like a fountain in my souuuuuullllll
makes me sing hallelujah makes me sing hallelujah makes me sing hallelujah in my soul!


(cue sweet harmonica/banjo breakdown & jam session)

Friday, June 5, 2009

i love jimmy stewart.

i forget.
and then i watch him and i just fall in love all over again.
why is no one like him in real life?
so quick witted and delightful and charming and sweet.
with his wonderful husky voice.

also:  the way men dressed in the 30's.
GOOD GOLLY.  i'm extremely attracted to it.

oh lordy.

we'll just leave it at that.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

tut tutt.

lookin like rain.

art projects going swimmingly.

-drawings of girl and boy scan and edit.
-finish anna's beard
-start quilt (yeah thats right i'm making a quilt.... out of these fans made out of 60's prints that my great grandmother put together years ago).

last night i had this idea in bed of a girl with rams horns... hair spread all over the canvas space... holding baby pigs with poppies and other flowers filling up all negative space.

Monday, June 1, 2009

to love. be loved

in order to love other people...
you must allow yourself to be loved on.

it doesn't have to be by humans.

allow yourself to enjoy the embrace of an armchair.
take notice of grass blades that cushion your feet.
close your eyes and experience wind.
sun is better than a blanket.

be loved on.
so you can love.