withered.

today i'm going on a retreat with my church.

i'm excited...

a little nervous...

i would really appreciate everyone's prayers... i think the lord is really trying to teach me something and i don't want to miss it.

i talked to john wallace about it actually.. which.. thats our president here... 

he is absolutely amazing.

listens to the holy spirit during our conversation... has the perfect thing to say to STUMP me the know-it-all and leave me thinking.  he's incredibly encouraging and not only prayed for me... but is taking me out to coffee this week.

i sorta realized that... i don't think all of me loves the Lord all of the time... and it kinda broke my heart.

i think i really just love being right all the time.

and i love the familiarity of my christianity.

i love being the person on top with all the answers.... even the one that says "i don't know" when THAT is the right thing to say.

i am really pretty conceited and i think a lot of my pride has affected my view of martyrdom to being faithful in little.

When I agree to become a martyr in my head its all about the glory and the story and what people would think of me following.

But isn't the whole point of that an incredible love for Jesus that is so great you could just never deny him?

so aren't i faced with that every day?

I don't think I really love the Lord.

I love the idea of being one of the people that really KNOWS how to love the Lord.

and it really kinda broke me.

i told John Wallace about it... and he suprised me with telling me that he thinks i just need to be "withered" for a while... like the withered hand on the man in Jesus' story in Luke.

I thought his point was that I need to then reach out but... 

it wasn't.

he said that he thinks i should just sit in my aloneness for a while...

observe and be withered.

so I'm going to unpack that statement this weekend.

what i need to accomplish today:

1. shower

2. laundry

3. figure out homework that i'm taking

4. go to the marshburn library to get children's poetry books

5. call mike

6. go to west : get wire cutters : cut pieces to make my deer for 3d design.

pack list:

-pillow

-red flannel

-jeans

-socksx 4

-underwears x 4

-sweatshirt

-white tanktop

-boots

-moccs

-tennis shoes

-flip flops

-jacket for snow, thermal, leggings, shoes?, gloves? 

-scarf

-bible/notebook/ivpbbc

-book of songs

-laptop

-planner

-nalgene

-razor, soap, shampoo, makeup, blowdryer,