Saturday, May 9, 2009

the moment before.

so sometimes... your expectation is better than the follow up to the event.

in fact almost all the time.

michelle is preeettty different from how i remember her...
i should have prepared myself by thinking over the last year... and how we haven't really had much mutual affection shared.
a year and a half ago she broke my heart by telling me she was tired of being my friend and didn't want to work at it.
God convicted her and i guess idk... we just kept going...
then i didn't go to her birthday til late and that hurt her pretty deeply.
then she ignored me all summer.
at the end of summer came back and realized lauren and i were actually leaving and got all frantic.

talked sometimes at school and talked about how much we missed each other...

ignored me over winter break when i came to visit at onyx house...  barely said goodbye in passing.

5 months= many phone calls with tears saying she misses me.

followed up by my visiting to surprise her...

its like... the initial reaction was really happy but... then it was just like... ok well i'm going to go hang out with my friends... youre cool with going to meaghans... spending the night... i'll see you tomorrow at lunch right?

like... i'm combating against my love language of like... quality time to say that michelles is words of affirmation and thats something i struggle with... so if she doesnt feel my affection why would she show me hers?

but... 
i mean i wont lie... 
it feels extremely insensitive...

when meaghan is like... "i want to show all my friends you.... i just want to show you off cause i miss you and think your so cool!"

michelle who's supposedly my best friend like... leaves me to go hang out with hers and then gets mad at me last night when she actually asks me to be honest about how i feel about her leaving to go hang out with someone else...

i said... well... i mean obviously its fine.. you know the situation better than i do...
but i sorta came down to hang out with you...
i haven't seen you in 5 months and i was feeling pretty excited to spend time with you...
and its like... you don't even care.... 

it honestly hurts my feelings so much that she obviously puts me on the shelf and treats me like i'll always be there.
of course i will...
but i'm entitled to being treated like a friend.
and

i can't handle in conversations when she talks down to me...

its either like... shes saying vulgar things... talking about the lord excitedly... joking around... or being mean to me.

it makes me wonder what happened to the attributes that draw me to people... like those in andrea, meaghan, or grahm...
who actually.. idk... kinda seems annoyed with me too.

its just hard... 
cause like... these are people that i'm so excited to be around that my filter i guess just goes out the window and maybe i'm annoying them...
idk...
considering thats already a point of insecurity for me... 
its really hard to like... i guess hear grahm say things that seem more pointed to make fun of me than encourage me.  i'm really not used to that.

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