Monday, December 29, 2008

matt unruh:
this is a man i just don't understand.
i'm such a complex human being.
and i'm afraid matt must be extremely simple.... and it is for that reason... i just honestly don't understand him.

i've not a clue what i'm going to do about school and all this stuff...
i've heard loads of differing insights on the matter.
here is a list:

grahm: personal example, how school was good... but money? soooo pray.
chris: prayed for me, parents will be a good indicator
dad: appreciates a well rounded college experience including biblical education. understands about the money thing. definately something to pray about.
michelle: its ultimately up to me. k. (aaaah.) saves money. give it a full year? is that money worth it?
mom: understands the money thing, devils advocate, living at home? realistic
mike: job offer of course... jeeze gimme a break?
lisa stone: prayer. what role could i play on my campus?

matt unruh: self iniciated
i never went to him... he just came to me and said he really wanted me in the youth group... but it was like a serious demand... like... they wanted me to help. he wanted me.
i have never really felt wanted by matt for anything.
when i told him about school he mentioned what i've sort of been thinking about...
that one way the Lord has of telling us... is melting away the passion for something in our heart.
that's how i feel.

its just a matter of do i waste that money this semester?

its so unbelievably stressful.



Lord,
You see absolutely every possibility of my future.
You know all the important, huge decisions,
but you also see the tiny ones... the little ones that shape me.

God FIRST OFF: idk what is wrong with me right now... i have no idea how to get back into your heart and will and mindset.... give me a new, refreshed desire for your word.
WHY do i suddenly feel like i've read it all already... absorbed it all...
OBVIOUSLY i haven't... but i'm so bored with it... and that's sickening cause i know its deep inside of me.
SECONDLY: this whole thing with grahm. Gosh dangit i really messed up. I was selfish and wrong. but i've no idea how to deal with it.... only time i guess will heal these things.
and maybe if he could see that you've really changed my heart he could trust me again.
so help that too.... but NOT because i want him to trust me but because its right... change my heart about that also.
FINALLY: this stuff with school. what am i supposed to do? if i stayed home... would i be super bored? what if its a mistake?? what if i can't find a good job or i am just not good at it? What if i can't make enough money to make up for all of this nonsense? what if i can't get a good enough scholorship to PNCA to make sure i dont have student loans?!

aaaaaah.

i'm so overwhelmed Lord.



LOVE YOU OVERWHELM ME. i will sing... i will sing...

oh the mystery of your grace,
oh the wonder of your face,
your glory fills this place.

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