don't forget!

summer reading:

milan kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being

for coram deo.

pictures of studying.

final etudier of the year.

sooo right now i'm sitting in a hallway in Duke under a skylight...

its pretty dim in the rest of the hall and all the classrooms are dark so i'm up here for some secluded study time before my next final.

this morning I had 3d design and children's lit all before 1.

i was up until 4 last night studying for luke acts and finishing my costume for 3d.

my fox costume is swell.

i'll definitely post photos when bill sends them to me.

slash youll probably see me wearing it around.

(i can't even believe how sexual my costume is on accident.  basically i chose a fox for the fact that i like them, and i'm a complete tease.  i don't mean to be... but i am i guess...  then i realize that i made it entirely out of bed-sheets i slept in last semester and bra fabric.... who AM i?  honestly I didn't even think about it).

i wrote my luke acts paper last night and yesterday finished all my 2d.

never got around to studying for children's lit but i took it today and it was super sheezy easy.

there was one question where she asked what HER modified version of Bloom's taxonomy was like and what the application was to children's literature...

obviously if i'd studied I would have known that but i only faintly remembered her touching on it earlier... so i just wrote bloom's taxonomy that I know and hopefully she'll give me most of the points.

but that was the only one that I wasn't 100 percent sure about.

I got an A on my book too.

SOOOOOOO.

basically I know I have an A in art and faith, 3d design, children's lit... 

and in luke acts I'm pretty sure I have an A but it could possibly become a B... he's a pretty tough cookie and though I've received really high A's on all my assignments that's what happened last semester and I got a B. so we'll just have to see.

in 2d i'm really not sure.

i didn't do half of the critique write ups for other people... considering they were stupid.

and i didn't do this half assignment in class where we cut up paint cards and glued them on a notecard ... cause that is stupid.

honestly my pieces were like 20 x better than 3/4 the class so I'll be super annoyed if I don't get an A.

I should probably just ask him and see if I can't do anything to make certain I'll get one.

following this post:

luke acts final: review strauss quotes and finish outline for paper.

sticky's in bible passages

take luke acts final.

shake duzik's hand. cause you loved having him for 2 semesters.

go read walking on water for 3 hours.

take notes on every chapter.

traipse about in your fox costume and show cherie.

get napkins for art and faith FORT PARTY.

sleep.

TOMORROW: give books to ashlyn.

pay 2.00 to the library.

Build a Fort and eat oreo's and drink milk and tell stories for Art and Faith... (gosh i love this class)

say bye to all the seniors :/

talk to Chris about storing some of my art in the summer.

clean out studio.

tutti fruttie with sam and andrea to celebrate the birthdays ill miss this summer.

sleeeeeep.  maybe watch little women?

WEDNESDAY: pack.

paint studio.

do laundry.

ask if i can sleep in kelsey's extra bed.

innapropriate and immature.

so many people thought throughout the centuries past that the day we had an african american president would be the day that pigs fly.

alls i've got to say is... 100 days in... and swine flu.

peace yalls.

reflections on prayer.

Recently I have had so much difficulty with prayer.  I am really battling back and forth in my mind with the ideas of how wicked I must be to not care about talking to the Lord, and the fact that the Lord knows this already and loves me.  It’s so cyclical because shouldn’t my understanding of his loving “while I am still a sinner” cause me to long for him (explored under attitudes for prayer)?  But I don’t really long for the Lord right now.  Do I fake it til’ I make it and just read scripture out of obligation?  Or is that frustrating to the Lord?  Shouldn’t I give him a contrite heart, considering that is what he always says he wants?  Is this question just a way of getting out of doing the work and an excuse to be lazy?  Has my Christianity become a self help program were I become good enough to enter into the Lord’s presence or am I concerned about really glorifying the Lord?  Where does the idea of entering or exiting God’s presence come from anyway?  Isn’t that made up, considering God never leaves me and is inside and outside and in my mind, heart, words, thoughts, and actions?  The problem is I don’t love Him and if my faith has ever become confusing I have always turned to the mantra of “Love God, Love People.”  Maybe the answer is to obey God, and I’m just becoming silly in needing to feel the amorous affection that comes sometimes into my heart towards Him.  Obeying shows God love, so does loving my enemies and “one another.”  These all prove our LOVE for him.  But I can’t help but think that it is out of a feeling of duty and fear of not doing it rather than love.  But when I think about serving my husband in the future even when it feels out of obligation and not amorous attention that sounds like true love to me… so why does it not when it is directed towards the Lord?  Why is it that when I talk with the Lord in my head it feels almost as if I’m talking to someone completely removed from this whole ordeal?  Is this a problem I’ve created myself, a wall I’ve built up that I’m staring at that Jesus just walked around?  Am I really that foolish, to stare at a wall and address next to me the person I’m trying to get over it to see? 

Is prayer then really, as I know in my heart of hearts the simplest form of just being with the Lord and expressing yourself and sharing in his expression?  When Jesus arose early and sat with the Lord alone was it his mere being with God that caused him to become like him?  Did Jesus love God?  Was this love amorous or raw and earthen and older than time?  Truth feels raw and rough to me, and it smells like rain on tilled earth.  That is what Jesus love for his Father seems like.  Deep.  Beyond comprehension or words; Past what a bridegroom would feel for his bride, or a father for his child, or the master for his servant. 

I think that you can’t pursue God wrongly, and it is prideful and wrong for me to wait to address Him because I’m afraid of doing it in a way that won’t be completely worthy.  How could I ever be worthy?  Don’t I know that by now?

It’s like the tax collector.  He was right in his wrongness; another paradox of Christianity.  He did not look upon the Lord because he was ashamed.  Now a person might examine this and say that this attitude would be saying to Jesus that you did not trust what he did on the cross for you and that you didn’t believe he was who the Father saw when he looked upon you.  One could argue this.  But Jesus praised the man and said he was right in the father’s eyes.  Maybe this passage is more about just entering, rather than allowing a fear to hold you back from the Lords presence because you didn’t do it right.  The priest got it all right, but even in that got it all wrong!  It’s not about how you enter into the Lord’s presence but the glory you allow of his to fill up your life.  If you’ve filled yourself up to the brim with your own pride because of you’re self righteousness then how can God fill you with HIS righteousness?  Jesus has come for the sick and so when he sees an empty cup in his presence he’ll fill it up.  If he sees a full cup that doesn’t please him any more because its still just a stupid cup.  He takes joy in filling me up with his own righteousness and that is something I just simply have to become alright with.  It’s more important to simply allow God to Be glorious than to worry about bringing  him something he’ll find glorious.  I’m just not good enough and I never will be, but it is the attitude that acknowledges this that he wants.

i'm so depressed.

i'm so ready to go home.

i miss my mother so much.

i just want to sit on our couch with my blanket and have her rub my back.

i want natural light and candles.

i want green trees and grass everywhere and to drive down sunset hwy or cornell and enjoy the tremendous clouds and the brilliant sunshine.  I want to stare at the colors.

i want to have the choice to go up into my tree house or not.

to go into MY room and be all alone.

i want to be able to hear EVERY person in my house from my room.

i want to identify people by their footfalls on the hardwood.

i want to breathe OUR air.

i just miss home.

My dad is graduating tonight.

Ariel and Paul are in town and my whole family is together to see my dad graduate... it feels so unfair.

i want to be there to see him.

i want to clap and whoop and holler for my daddy who has worked so hard to learn 3 languages and study tough scripture with all these brilliant men.

he's so cool.

and i'm so proud of him.

i'm excited for mother's day.

i'm going to work extra hard this year to make it special.

home.

tonight ..

i layed on my back on andrea's floor and stared at the cieling.

i just wanted to escape.

everyones rooms are cluttered with boxes and their things.

we're all packing to go home.

and now... when i need it more than ever, i cannot have tidiness.

i need sea foam with a smattering of yellow ochre.

white birches with a field of breezy poppies.

sky.

i need to lay on my back in my bedroom with my windows all open and the walls illuminated by the sunshine.

i miss just being able to be quiet in my room.

azlyn's always in there.

which is fine... its her room.. but i just need time by myself.

but the thing is you can't do that around here.

there's no where safe to go by yourself as a girl.

for example... i'm sitting here on the floor of my friends room and now Pink has just come on... 

i can't handle that.

i need silence.

i need breezes.